‘It’s So Intense To Love Someone’ – a Q&A with Billie Eilish

An interview with the 17-year-old artist in 2019, the year she blew up.

© Lars Crommelinck Photography

Whenever you do a ~ new artist ~ profile, you don’t know whether you’re interviewing a future genius, a stratospheric one-hit wonder or someone who will always remain on the peripheries of culture, never quite getting their dues or proving that their work is more than worthy of a look in. This isn’t something I actively think – if I like the music and think they’re an interesting person, who cares. But while you’re considering them as an artist and how they fit into the wider musical landscape, you naturally wonder how they’ll be received and project them, along with their work, into the future.

Occasionally you meet someone just at the brink of them being famous, really fucking famous. You look back on it and know that even a year, six months later, that interview would never have happened. That was how it felt after speaking to Billie Eilish at the start of 2019 for the Guardian.

Teenagers knew who she was, adults didn’t. She was about to release When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? and was already being touted as the first Gen Z pop icon, the next young person to exemplify and embody a generation’s specific flavour of angst and insecurities. In the slither of time between meeting her and the Guardian ‘Film and Music’ cover coming out, she had basically become a household name.

Here are some outtakes from the interview: being painfully obsessed with Justin Bieber, not feeling safe onstage and a really heartfelt extended part about why she can’t love someone who is ruining their life with drugs.

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‘It’s not a good feeling to be in love with someone who doesn’t know you exist’

BE: I was just a fucking fan of music. Justin Bieber, man. [makes I-have-chills noise] I know everyone had a Justin Bieber phase but this was different. It was different for me. I grew up on The Beatles and Avril Lavigne, then I got into Childish Gambino and Tyler the Creator and that was really my ‘oh, music is amazing’ moment. Then it was a ton of hip-hop and shit. I grew up on a lot of old stuff like Frank Sinatra and Peggy Lee, Etta James and stuff. Then there was of course Lana, Marina and the Diamonds - of course. Then there was my punk phase, which I’m still in, which is My Chemical Romance, Green Day, The Strokes, rock shit, bands and stuff. I love bands - to death I love bands. Arctic Monkeys, Red Hot Chili Peppers. I just love music, bro. 

HE: With Justin Bieber, what do you mean everyone had a Justin phase? 

Every girl my age had a phase of being in love with Justin Bieber but for me it was more than that. I can’t really explain it like I was a normal fan. 

Are you crying? Looking out the window…

[laughs] This is a deep subject for me. Because, bro, I can’t even explain it to sound normal but I was in love with him. It wasn’t like [girly voice] I love him. I was in love with him. Like a full complete everything about me was about him and I did everything for him. And it was so miserable. It’s not a good feeling to be in love with someone who doesn’t know you exist. It’s horrible. And I spent the whole year, two years, crying all the time and I was really upset about it. It sounds so ridiculous but my mom can really attest to [the fact it] wasn’t good at all. It was so bad and it was so unhealthy and I was just miserable. And I would just sob all the time. All the time. Just because I loved him too much.

I’ve explained that to a couple of people and people at meet-and-greets sometimes are like, ‘Billie, I feel the way you feel about Justin Bieber about you’ and that blows my mind. I just feel bad because if that’s actually true? I’m sorry, bro. I do not mean to be putting anybody in the position I was in. Like, that shit hurts. It hurts a lot. And I think a lot of the way I go about my career and the things that I do I sort of subconsciously…not even, pretty consciously been the artist that I would’ve wanted to be a fan of growing up. Not like who I am in my music and shit, I feel like I want to be reachable. I don’t wanna be out of reach and out of someone’s grasp.

For me, the people I was a fan of growing up, I couldn’t almost talk to them or see them in real life, let alone go to a concert. I could never have an interaction online with them, never have anything close with them whatsoever and I feel like my whole career so far, all I’ve tried to do is do the opposite of that and be as reachable as possible and be as available to them, because I never got that and I wanna give them that because I know how it feels, you know? 

How do you plan on keeping that spirit going as you get bigger? Obviously it’ll get way harder to do that. 

I think it’s picking what’s going to be the best thing to do. What’s important. At the beginning of this, I responded to every single DM, I liked every single picture I was tagged in, every single one. I would do it every single day for an hour, go to the last picture that I was tagged in, and I’d like the next one and the next one and the next one. 

That sounds tiring. 

It was exhausting. And that was right at the beginning and it was exhausting. If I tried to do that now? [laughs and claps hands together] That literally wouldn’t be possible to do that. And the DMs? No way, no way. The comments…I just want to throw the internet out of the window, there’s so much that I don’t want to see about me on there, I don’t want to see that shit, I don’t need to hear what people are saying. But I still try when I can at least, not to hesitate if I want to say something to a fan, I’ll DM them or comment on their picture. I like edits all the time. If I like your picture it’s because I like what you posted, it’s not like, ‘oh, I’m gonna like your picture’. I will dig through the people who fuck with me, and if I like what you’re doing, I will comment on it, I’ll say, ‘this is fucking sick’. 

So are you saying you’ll do what you can to make sure the right fans feel seen for the right reasons? 

Yeah. Pretty much. 

How did meet-and-greets start with you? Were you doing them after shows or… 

I actually refused to do a ‘meet-and-greet’. I didn’t want people to have to pay to see me – I’m a human. I thought that was gross and it would make me feel weird. I resisted and said, ‘I will not do that’. For the first shows I ever did, I would go backstage, get a sip of water and go out into the house and meet everyone. Everyone. And I’d be there for four hours afterwards sometimes. Giving every single person a hug, talking to them all. We do meet-and-greets now because I couldn’t do that now. It’s not safe also. It’s really not safe for me.

But the first paid meet-and-greets we did, the line [of people] made me feel so uncomfortable because I didn’t like being looked at as more than them. It was gross. I don’t wanna be looked at like I’m on a higher pedestal. Whether that’s what you think or not, you know what I’m saying? Whatever I have in my career I don’t want to look like I’m better than anyone. But because now I have to do meet-and-greets and I have to make money somehow [laughs] I try really hard to not let anyone feel let down or uncomfortable and disappointed in those. I’m as welcoming as possible as I can be. I give people the tightest hugs. Because they’re the thing that makes me happy about this shit. I want it to be everything they could’ve imagined it’d be like. I don’t want them to go home and be like, that was horrible. 

Like the awkward photos of the Avril and Bieber ones.

I just can’t stand that. I always bring a speaker and play really loud music and we all get turnt. I don’t let it be uncomfortable. Because I know that when you’re a fan and you say something you think is awkward to them, you think about it for the rest of your life. You say something that’s kind of weird to your favourite person and it sticks with you and you regret it forever. I don’t want anyone to feel like that. And not that I hear things that people say and I’m like, ‘ew’. Never. I just don’t want them to be uncomfortable saying what they want to say and regret it. 

Those experiences naturally colour how you listen to their music in the future too. You could listen to your favourite record and think, ‘they didn’t like me’. 

I know. I remember going to a meet-and-greet one time, this girl – I won’t say who – but she was super cold to me and I just stopped listening to her music. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t do it on purpose, it just turned me off of her because this was way before any of this [career] of course. I was like, eleven or something. She was super cold and didn’t even look at me and didn’t hug me, or anything. It was weird. I just, could never. But I learned from that experience and turned bad into good. 

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On getting cancelled 

It’s so scary and it happens to my friends who are artists. They get exposed for something. It’s like, really? You’re gonna dig up a tweet from 2012? I feel like I’m really lucky though because as much as all this stuff happening at a young age is not amazing, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 are the ages when you do that stupid shit, you post that stuff on Instagram you should not be posting or you say things that people dig up on Twitter. I feel like nobody can dig up dirt on me because there’s nothing there. Because this all started when I was so young, I had an eye on me from when I was 13 on so I couldn’t be a jackass little 13-year-old posting some dumb shit on the internet. That shit’s scary though. I’ve had so many nightmares about that shit. Also because there are so many artists who get their careers ruined from something that’s not even true, ugh. Anyone can say anything. One lie and you’re done. People don’t even care about proof.

Even people who used to be fans could turn on you. 

Scary, don’t trust anyone. 

What’s your current relationship with social media like? You say you don’t like the internet but you’re on it a lot.

The internet is so funny though. I am on the internet a lot. Here’s a really weird part of it. I love just going on Instagram looking at memes and shit, that’s so funny. But what’s really weird is I’ll be looking at some meme page that’s posting memes or making fun of someone and then I come across a video on the page that’s making fun of me. And it’s a very weird contrast because it’s like…I grew up on YouTube watching celebrities top ten diva moments or celebrities shadiest moments. And I was watching one the other day and I was in it. And that was weird to me because I’ve been watching those my whole life because I think they’re funny. Then I’m in them - huh!? On a meme page and I see a meme making fun of what I look like? It’s a weird world. As much as I try to get away from ‘Billie Eilish’ it’s still there, where I’m looking. 

But I think I’m pretty good at the internet right now. I just take pictures and I post them. When you try way less hard, you get more followers. But the internet is not that deep, the shit people say is not that deep. We’ll all die one day and then it won’t matter. But shit that’s mean, that’s even funnier. So when there’s mean shit about me I’m like, you know what, that shit’s funny. Someone’s laughing. 

And the same thing – the internet – is the reason you are where you are now.

I owe everything to the internet. I only became who I am because of it. Soundcloud is the only reason I got discovered at all and Instagram is where I got to know the fans. Fans…I don’t like that word but that’s what they are. They’re like a little family, they’re like my little crew. It’s more than a connection than ‘fan’. My shows feel like a party with all my best friends there. I just feel completely safe, like comfortable. We’re all just homies. 

Safer than what? 

I don’t mean physically safe because that’s not even true. I feel more at home, not safe. Because I don’t feel safe at all on stage…physically. For reasons I don’t have to get into. It’s the difference between being in a room with people you don’t know than being in a room of people you love and trust. That kind of safe. Not: nothing can hurt me. More, I’m not worried about anything. 

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‘I just love people so much and I can’t lose someone again’

Let’s talk about the album.

I experienced a lot of things last year for the first time. I fell in love for the first time. I had someone I love die for the first time. I experienced fame for the first time, real kinda fame. It was a lot of firsts last year and a lot of learning about the world and mixing the idea of a bad dream and how bad dreams can ruin your day and that there are things in life that are so bad they’re unthinkable but they’re real. The fact that there are so many horrible things that happen in dreams that are like, ‘that could never happen’ and then death happens in real life and it’s like, how was this not real but that was real. So, the album is really an album of firsts in my life and dreams and what happens when you fall asleep. It’s also: a dream so good you can’t believe it’s happening. There’s parts of life that are like that. Like, how has this happened, this is so beautiful, how is this real?

The song ‘xanny’, where you’re talking about Xanax culture, did that come from you looking around and seeing what was inspiring a lot of other artists, teenagers and not being into it?

It was more of: I don’t want my friends to die anymore. That’s pretty much it. I don’t wanna keep losing people to drugs. Are you kidding me? You’re really gonna die from drugs? What a stupid way to die. I know that sounds dumb but bro, you’re not the only one you’re hurting if you’re doing drugs, you’re hurting the people around you. If you fucking die because you’re doing it to yourself it’s just..I don’t know. I don’t have words for it, really.

I’ve never done drugs, I’ve never gotten high, I’ve never smoked anything in my life. And it’s not like, oh my god, I can’t - I don’t give a fuck. It’s just it’s not interesting to me. I have other shit to do. I have way more stuff on my plate than…whatever the fuck. My whole life and growing up with my friend groups when I was younger, it was all kids who just smoked and drank and all the stuff, ‘bad kids’, and I was around it always and I never said anything because I don’t give a fuck. I’ve never been the person who is like, don’t smoke around me, don’t drink. I’m the same with being vegan – I don’t care if you’re eating meat around me, I don’t care if it’s on the same plate, I don’t give a fuck. I’m just not gonna do it myself. I’m never in people’s faces about things because I just want people to live the way they wanna live because I wouldn’t want people interrupting me and the way that I wanna live. But I’ve kind of taken it my whole life, like people blowing cigarette smoke right into my face and smoking weed right there all around me, just being fucking stoned out of their minds and I have to deal with it. Drunk as hell. I’m just like whatever, I’m taking care of you and stuff.

It’s less of: don’t do drugs. It’s more: be safe. I’m so worried about my friends, so much. I always have been. And having lost someone and knowing people who have lost someone due to drugs. There’s a line in ‘xanny’ that’s ‘I can’t afford to love someone who isn’t dying by mistake’. Because it’s like, you’re killing yourself with drugs, you’re killing yourself with cigarettes, you’re killing yourself with any type of drugs. Xanax, bro. Fucking cocaine. If it’s laced with some of that…whatever that shit’s called. 

Fentanyl.

Yeah. I care way too much about people to have them do it themselves. Not even on purpose really. Loving someone in the first place is so much of your time and it’s so intense to love someone and be in love with someone, and especially if they’re in love with you. God, it’s terrifying, it takes your whole everything if you really love that person and you want to give them everything and you care about them more than anyone. And if they’re slowly killing themselves without realising… I can’t, I just can’t love someone who is gonna give up on themselves. And I’m gonna have to live with it. And I’m not trying to be selfish about it and make it about myself that someone else is hurting. Of course not. I think you feel what I’m saying.

Yeah, you’re only here for a certain amount of time and when someone is on their own journey, whether that’s dangerous or…

…I just love people so much and I can’t lose someone again. I just can’t. Someone dying by accident, something goes wrong…that’s horrible, but if someone dies because of what they were doing to themselves, without doing it on purpose but doing stuff that’s not healthy for themselves, if someone’s killed, that’s not an accident. Somebody in the world was planning that and they were the ones that did it. Lacing cocaine with fentanyl – someone did it on purpose, nobody is doing that by accident. They gave that to you on purpose. I just care way too much about people and the people that I love and the people that I love who have lost people. I just wanna help people, bro. I can’t watch people suffer.